A happy rock I am
Some time ago Vicky described me as "a happy rock." Well, rather, the context was this:sleepy: we're all to a certain degree bright young people with a relative guarantee of a sucessful future
sleepy: i haven't the energy to pull people along with me [to a bright future, I think she meant]
sleepy: i can try dragging cindy
sleepy: and steph
sleepy: and you, but you're like a rock :-P
sleepy: *tugtug* why won't you move!
azncupycake18: hahahah
azncupycake18: rock? what kind of rock?
sleepy: stuck to bottom kind of rock
sleepy: poke some places, it will go
sleepy: like tkd
sleepy: poke other places...it won't.
sleepy: but you're a happy rock
sleepy: i shall try not to poke you too much
I see how I'm like a rock. I'm a happy-go-lucky individual, steadfastly refusing to push myself to be the best in all that I do. I'm satisfied just being mediocre.
I guess it's just the story of my college life. At Lynbrook, I never had to try very hard, and I was very happy that we didn't have "+"'s or "-"'s appearing on our transcripts. I'd do just enough to get an A-, which would appear as an A. Lil sis thought this system was idiotic, since she got legitimate A's and slackers like me would have the same GPA as she did. Har.
My mother always said that no matter how smart you are, there will always be someone smarter than you. Methinks she was trying to keep us grounded after we were accepted into the gifted program in elementary school. But I guess I took it too literally and relegated myself to mediocrity instead. I do believe (unlike Matt did - until recently, heh) that some people are inherently more intelligent than others. We all have our talents, and some people just sort through information suited for schoolwork better than the average population. The rest of us will just have to work 24/7 in order to match the already-intelligent.
I've already realized that I'm not one of the lucky elite, and I've also realized that I don't have the drive to work hard enough to get up there with them. This may or may not be a good thing. On the one hand, I'm never stressed. I may procrastinate like nobody you've ever seen, but you won't see me having a nervous breakdown. On the other hand, my future may not be so bright because I don't have that kind of competitive oomph that the most financially successful members of society do. The question is: do I really want to be one of them - working my nonexistent tail off to ensure success/wealth/fame, only to have more responsibility dumped onto my shoulders, resulting in having to put in even more hours? I think not. Yet another thing I inherited from my mother and not my workaholic I-love-CS sooo-much-I-even-read-it-for-fun father...
Or maybe I just haven't found my driving force yet. A number of years ago, it was skating. I couldn't wait to get to the rink some days. I'm not sure where that passion has gone. It's probably dispersed into a million other things I halfheartedly attempt but never give my all into.
I have a friend who's a pilot, and I saw him a new light after I discovered he was involved in a flying accident that killed the pilot in the other plane. It wasn't exactly that that changed my opinion of him. Rather, it was the fact that this took place a year after another accident he was in that killed his father. Then I started wondering, "What is inside a person that drives him to continue doing something even when death has come so close?" Whatever it is, I certainly don't have it.
But I look up at the sky. I see how it's so blue, so vast, so beautiful, so...inviting. And it starts to make sense.
Maybe I'll find my driving force soon. My rock will find its current and become a salmon, bent on reaching its river. When I put a finger to a piano key, a skate blade to ice, a pencil to paper, I come a little closer to understanding. Just a little.
posted by sugarfiend @ 7:28 AM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home